Conential
Conential
These are clips of rantings and shreads of thoughts. Read when needed. Ignore if bored. Sue me not, for I am a story only. Remember that this is a PRIVATE area. Your respect of this is a requirement. This is an excerpt of a copyrighted work in the Public Domain. Full text of these tales is available at mailto:searchingforher@mindspring.com
April 10, 2001
Funny how it goes, I came to Silicon Valley looking for the revolution. It stopped it's ludicrous growth just as I arrived. I only got to go to one bash!! I did learn that the revolutionaries have already moved on.
Now it looks like I am leaving the fray. I have started again in motion and have currently pointed my sights at Reno, NV. Target is around July or August. I have submitted a few Résumés, and started networking to find the "sweetspot" (fingers crossed here).
I have learned alot in the short time I have been here. I am much more confident now, and I feel I have gained new insight into how to approach my "value add" for my next gig. I still vacillate on WHAT I want to become, but I appreciate the ability to grow and seldom mind the struggle that it brings with it during the settling.
Today I started thinking about what humanity will eat in the coming decade. We are beginning to reap the payback for our voracious appetite and blatant disregard for the Earth and other creature's needs. Mad Cow Disease, Foot and mouth, the deep ocean species committing suicide rather than go back to mankind's putrefaction spreading across the ocean bottom. So many things we are doing are irreversible and terminal to man.
Maybe I will just go somewhere and build a treehouse
January 23, 2001
I am starting a new Phase of my existance. I first need to say that the level of my success will be directly related to the speed and accuracy of my typing.
I will be living with a new family soon I think. The woman has three children, all by different marriages, and I love the "unit" already. And I think that they love me back.
Jan 23, 2000
Tomorrow I start my new job as a Project Manager. I was handed all that I asked for, right down to the new pen. Now am I strong enough to let it flow through me. I feel it around me, it has drawn me to this place and Now I am called to act. How lucky I feel to have been offered this gift. To be allowed to do what I have always asked. There are many names for what I am. Blessed is one of them. Today I learned to inject the Percorten-V. So far so good. Welcome to the Pre-millenium.
June 1 1999
The story I sent you in the prior email about why you can't trust people on The Internet makes me sad. I want to be a mentor to kids, but I know something about my past would make it impossible, especially with the active mouth I have in the present. I am SURE none of the kids would mind HOW I say it, as long as I am teaching THEM. It's hard to love to do something so much, see it SOO needed, right in front of you and be unable to touch it. I just had to send that thought into the "Cybermix". On a better note...I went to the doctor today, and he couldn't get much fluid.I am starting to heal. Yeah! Hope the world is beating a path to your webdoor. Gnight
May 29 1999
PA O'Malley
Even at 3AM, I was enjoying the trip. Thank you so much for your willingness to share yourself and wonderful forest with me. I went walking out to that stump with Corporal one of the days, and noticed that at a certain time, (I think) in the morning, a shaft of light spotlights the deepest tunnel where the creature would have slept in your stump. It would be a wonderful warm summer awakening for some little nature creature. The colors were nice too. Lucy is VERY happy. I am going outside to clean up the dog s___ (-: I will write more soon. Have a good visit with your family.
May 02 1999
I have what is called a "seroma". It is like a hematoma, but contains lymphatic fluid instead of blood. It will slow the healing process and has caused me to be placed on disability. I am healing, but the closure is slow. Both masses were submitted to pathology and determined to be benign.
April 26 1999
Complications from the surgery cause pain and continued swelling in the left leg. It is possible that a blood clot has resulted from the surgery. I have an appointment with the Dr. today to confirm whether additional surgery will be needed. All of this activity certainly creates an environment of concern for me and I have chosen this time to create a last will and testement. Copies will be found in my file cabinet at home. Go HERE for additional documents and comments for the Estate.
April 19 1999
Surgery is over. Found a Ganglian Cyst (benign) in the femoral canal and removed it. I tried to go back to work "full steam" the next day (Stupid ass!). Now I am in a little pain and suffering some infection. I am recovering.
I think it is about time for me to get out of here. I don't really care enough about being rich to be totally effective at marketing, and issues at REMM make me unsure about referring business to them. I plan to meet with Bob Taylor and discuss the plan.
April 10 1999
"Lt. groin exploratory and excisement of femoral mass, possible repair of femoral hernia" scheduled for April 20th. Here is a CT Image
March 13 1999
Mom has decided to come "visit" for awhile.I sent Trudi a dirty joke, and the attached email was created FUNNY
February, 28 1999
Che' did a photo essay when he was in High School. He was very angry at me when he did it, and tried to express it in his art. Click HERE!
February, 2 1999
It seems that I have a Femoral Hernia. The doctor wants to review the CT Scan before he states for sure. True to who I am, this event is more common in woman than men.
Here is a picture.....-click it
January 15, 1999
I am right in the middle of the diagnosis of AVD. I am waiting to be scheduled for a doppler ultrasound. I have multiple masses in the lower exremeties. I am told that this is normal for an aging male. More after the results are available. For now, here are a few reports in PDF format.
Oct 1998 Jan 1999 April 1999
June 15, 1998
I think I am having an identity crisis. I think I am Ally McBeal. (-:
March 8, 1998
I did a difficult thing recently, and wanted to share it here.
The story starts with me truck shopping, trying to find a match for Lucy the dog and myself. I settled on a nice 1996 BLUE Ford Ranger extended cab.I negotiated the trade, so that the insurance, interest and monthly payment were lower than my existing car. As I was leaving, the salesman (and my ego) made me SURE that I needed a bigger truck. I went back later and got a BIG truck, costing MORE, Insurance Higher, and it was going to cost $40 just to fill the tank. Also, my business was at a point that I needed the extra cash to help grow. That night, I tossed and turned, and realized that I was crazy and had to get rid of the truck. California has a "No-cooling off" law that says if you buy something one day and want to return it the next day, TOO BAD. In order to convince the dealer to take the truck back, I created an elaborate story saying that Lucy had died while first playing in the truck. I cried and cried in front of them, pulling their heartstrings whenever I could to get them to give me the other truck back. It worked, but I left THEM crying and sorry. Only the fact that they were salesmen and that I had observed them hustling others made this possible for me. I am still torn by the guilt of my judgement of them.
February 14, 1998
I heard a good valentine thought today (Partially inside my head), and wanted to share it with you.
"Love is wanting to give all of ourselves to another. Therefore how much we can love is DIRECTLY related to the amount of self love that we have. Learn to love yourself, and you will find the love you seek."
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL THE LOVERS ON EARTH.
Nov 1, 1997
Hi dad how have you been? i've been fine here , working for a fence building company named Creative Fence. Its the hardest job i have ever had in my whole life. But alot of the things you taught me are helping out. I still use your tool bag everyday and i am having a great time being semi-sober (no more speed).Thanks for my birthday gift it really helped out , one less thing i have to worry about. I still owe the courts about 1500 dollars and am slowly climbing out of the hole i dug for myself. I hope this letter finds you well(i heard that in a movie) and i just want you to know that i will always love you and thanks for everything you have done for me in the past. Sara says hi and i am going to buy a car stereo at DOW dow. e-mail me back if you want and let me know how you are doing O.K. I.S.A.L.Y.S Thanks for checking in Che'
Oct 31, 1997
No call from Amy so I guess she has had enough. Every one of my relationships has ended the same. Guess I know WHO is stuck in a rut.
Here is what I miss about being with Amy. The hair in my ears, nose & my now "ONE" eyebrow are a constant reminder. I am almost convinced that she is the real cause. She always covered my back. She was the ONLY woman that I could ever travel with. I longed for the time to be with her. We had good adventures together. She made the BEST home. Every detail was important for her. She seemed to love everyone above herself. With the eyes of a child she looked for the good in things. She was a nurturer (some for better and some for worse). She needed the lap of luxury. By that I mean she would contribute signifigantly to a cultured environment. My thoughts will always be for her to find it. I always will have the wish to be a fly on the wall in her life. When it happens to her, she will probably still want to call me to tell me about it.Almost a year, and I am still rolling around in the past. Really need to move on now. ISALYS 'Chesca. (-:
Oct 30, 1997After all this time I still hope she is watching. Gotta get away from this. The answer IS NOT another woman. I don't even think that it is other people. I have spent too many years alone to figure out how to change it. I like being alone. It is only occasionally lonely. I think I might end my years as a "handyman" traveling the coasts of the western US. For awhile, it looks like I might need to take care of my mom. I had no idea she was 68. We took her wood stove out this weekend. It is soo much better in her home now.
I haven't heard from Sara or Che' in many weeks. I wish I knew how to help, but I realize now that I never got the parenting skills I needed. Combine that with my "reclusiveness" and it's a wonder I even have a job. All I had was my love. I hope it is enough when they NEED it. I think Sara is psychically connected to me. NO..I know. For example..my email icon just told me mail. It was her. She has a new job and is getting it together. Thanks for checking in Sara.
I still spew hate at Amy. She is only nice & kind to me. She loved me. Now I try to break her down with every word. I left a message for her. I hope she calls back. I will be FB this time. I want to let her go. To me, I am her "Robert". I should now leave with the same dignity & love. I love her so. I should read the book again. It was such a wonderful time.
I have an opportunity to create my fortune. I am afraid. I see too much. I hear too much. I know too much. I intentionally create a failure for all potential successes in my life. I will not follow that pattern again. I have others relying on me.
Oct 27, 1997
Lucy loved to fly. We had a GREAT time.
Today was nothing but Ringlet headed blonds with red lips and wonderful bodies. I will never forget Amy. I just hope I will be able to stop shaking when I see women who "might" be her.
Soo much shit is happening at work. I vascillate between excitement at the possibilities, and losing faith and wanting to just move and give it all up. I never WANTED to move to LA. I never liked cities, and should think about moving away soon before it is too late.
Can't seem to keep a level head anymore. I just can't care anymore. I miss my kids and the lover in my arms.
Oct 14Now I understand what she was saying about "stuff".
I originally, had written here, a long boo-hoo about losing her. I decided to move it to the end & take a walk instead.
I learned something about myself on that walk. About 2 miles into it, Lucy & I were attacked by a group of three pit bulls. At first I thought to be afraid. They sniffed, and then started snarling & lunging. I realized that fear wouldn't help. Instead, I controlled Lucy, and I attacked the dogs. Kicking & yelling...and they took of running. We chased them all the way home. They scrambled to get under the fence into the safety of their yard. I have the dubious distinction of being "MEANER than a pack of pit bulls".
Lucy and I are flying to RENO. Gotta show my mom the dawg. Then I get to go to Florida (see my family) & New Orleans.
The crew at work has changed again. Now it is:
Lynn (REMM Liason, Entry level Notes Programmer, Program troubleshooter, License control), Dianne (procedures, web content editor and fireball attack pawn), Carol (content editor, customer service, sales closer and HTML formatting),Kelle (training & client interviews/analysis & post sales), Jeff (Notes programming, NT setup, HTML Programmer, and Edge walker), Richard (Pre-sales client workups, Marketing and Exit stratagies), Bob (He owns the place, Tech Enthusiast, Real Estate PM & Owner, Industry Contacts). WOW! I gotta have a meeting just so that I can see all of these people in the room at the same time.
Last night I got a phone call that only rang once, then the other party didn't speak. I thought of Amy. Today, I get a message from her. It is still no easier. I used to be able to pretend it didn't matter, and just cut off that part of my life. End that part..if you will. I can't do that now. Life is too precious to me now. I don't expect I will try again with another.
Oct 5
The team is starting to form. It is a difficult process, as each member has diffferent strengths & and weaknesses. The company is behind this, and now is the time for the second wave. I miss having Amy next to me during this time, but I guess it is really as it should be. So many businesses need the Notes product, and I intend to sell it to them. I have to get a hand held tape recorder to put down things, as I always seem to forget them when I get here.
Sep 25I came to a realization recently that I don't have much "stuff" (in the George Carlin definition) for a 46 yearold. I seem to have purged most of the stuff from the past as I moved from place to place. I always wanted a place that had what I wanted, and haven't gotten it yet. I long to live amongst the trees & the mist. I have my tools and my family tree. Ripe for the pickin' I would say. (-:
Work is fun most of the time.
Sep 16I saw a meteor the other night. Flew over LA at around 9:30. It had a distinctive blue-green color as it burned that made it clear that it was not completely of this earth of ours. I enjoyed that thought, and hope you will too. It is VERY stressful right now. I am in the crux and everything is soo fast paced. Headaches & light headedness (occasionally). I try to let it channel, but the bandwidth isn't always there.(-:
It is difficult knowing at times. It is difficult driving the change. It is hard to find a peaceful focus. Soon....
Sep 2
Lucy Lu is home now. Fully a part of my family group again. She still longs for Amy and checks out every red car with a blonde woman in it. That will take some time for her to give up. Today I am tired. It has been a long road and I need to assimilate my success. Next wave will start soon so I need to prepare. The next one will happen even faster.
Aug 24
Still trying to get to the past. Too much happening in the present I guess. My old lover called today. ... I am changing this journal entry as it is incorrect, and obnoxious. I know this is censorship, and I will try to keep it to a minimum....I got my Lucy Lu back...but was horrible to my old lover. Even after I practiced being nice in the car on the way. Gotta get past that. She is a nice lady and is trying to find her own power. Keep looking girfriend..your's is out there.
July26
I am writing up My experiences for the last 4 years (Jan 1993 to now). I will be off-line for awhile, or right back.....depending on the amount of time it takes me to learn the keyboard and to discover why I am suddenly writing all M's and W's with an extra leg. Help me Carol!I found out that 1993 was the time I bought my "State of the art", 386-25, mono-chrome, 3MEG (expandable to 5), 20 megHDD (no option to expand) Notebook Computer from Zeos. What happened next will take awhile to explain. I need a break. Check back in a walkabout or so.
Today, I feel like Tom at the AM/PM
July26Here is the rant of the day. Time to stop having airshows. In the old days, pilots were a select group of individuals (all candidates for the space program), with an extensive amount of FOCUSED training. Nowdays, you can be a pilot if you are part of a special interest group, or in the right place at the right time. Not the same requirements exist, and there is much more room for error. We have lowered our standards and now we are suffering. This is not meant to point blame at the pilots involved in the recent events. We must clear our experts to a new level before they are required to perform at that level. Don't be afraid to require high standards of others and remember to strive for them yourself as well.
July25For many years, I have been trying to get the family home movies transferred to VCR Tape. I have been collecting, sorting, transporting around, transporting around some more.....you get the idea. Finally I want to do it. But I am too busy getting the "BiZ" going. My boss walks in my office & say's "On the way to our lunch meet, let's stop & pick up my photos". The shop he goes to has also does video transfer. I can't believe it. I go home & take out the box of film spools. I get them all out wondering how many VCR tapes it will take to hold all the film. I start realizing that this could be expensive if it takes a couple of VCR tapes for each copy. Their brochure says they can take 1600 ft of tape on a 2 hour tape. I count the tapes out (3 inch spool= 50 ft, 5 inch spool=200 ft, 6=300ft, 7=400ft). There are 27 separate spools of various sizes. The total equaled 1600 ft. Thanks for the help.
July24I just watched a Taco Bell commercial where two 15 or 16 year old boys were on a couch. One boy was dreaming that he was tremendously over weight and was out of food. When he awakened, it was made obvious by their actions, that they were "stoned". He did the Beavis "Huh Huh.." with his friend and asked if he wanted to go eat. My question is.......Does anyone realize that we are marketing DIRECTLY to the young kids habit? Re-enforcing it!! I almost said "they are marketing" above, but I realize that we ARE they. Now that we have control over our destiny again, everything that happens is because WE made it happen. Grasp that folks! Time to put your money where your mouth is. If you want it to be different MAKE it different. When I say that last part, I think of Amy. Good luck Amy.(-:
July22Here is my rant on the 33.6 or 56K issue. US Robotics (USR) has for many years lead the trend in modems. The release the new technology, and then HAYES,ROCKWELL,and now some others point to them and call them exclusionary. I say go for 33.6 USR now, or wait until the 56K ITU-T standard is ratified. By then, the services (ISPs) will be ready. Or the next wave will be visible, and you can make a decision at that time.
July20Just reporting another commercial "encounter". I just watched a coquettish little girl (16 or so) share with me what type of feminine protection she uses (ALWAYS) and how wonderfully fresh it makes her feel (complete with a suggestive sway & smile). We have such trouble dealing with our sexuality as it is. With all the twisting that our libios have taken in the past decade or two, it is probably too much of an image to present to the sexually frustrated males we have created in this isolationist society. Women, teach your daughters. The power of nature is at work when we speak of our sexuality to each other. The need to procreate transcends all other drives (even survival). Without the guidance of parents, our children become targets for marketers. Herding them as recently portrayed in a cigarette commercial, into the hands of people with a product to sell. Molding them into perfect consumers. Television has stripped us of our innocence. Showing us ANYTHING that will sell. Without a thought of the repercussions. Removing the chance to grow up slowly, we are forcing our children into the adult world at an earlier & earlier age.
July 17Saw a commercial just now. CBS was taking a group of their employees out to get drunk. When utterly drunk, they went out riding watercraft, to show what could happen. Miller beer's current campaign is directed at young teens, and aspire's to make the best BEER Breath. They have stepped up the attack for those kids that quit smoking. What amazes me, is that we still allow it. Whose world do we each live in?? We (as humans) took the "Starting with the man in the mirror..." line, and created a tightly segregated world of people suffering from the NIMBY syndrome. Wake up. Look at your neighbor in the eye. Then look at the neighborhood together. Go out for a walk. Broaden your horizons. Then tell everyone at work of your successes, and pretty soon that "VIRUS" that we are all planting, will grow to heal our lives. Take control of your tools. Use your wits to convince others that Good times can be created. With technology at our fingertips, our reality is only limited by our imagination. Fix it. Give these positive thoughts a little of the processor time in your head. Stop pushing the envelope, and ride the flow of the river we have created. Be patient. Trust those who care enough to try hard more than others. Don't fear the unknown, be enriched by it. Reveling in the changes it wreaks in us. What if..Magic,Santa Claus, UFOs and Atlantis had been real, and connected. Can you accept that .
I LOVE the pictures from Mars. I also love the creativity of the "RED ROVER" project. Our kids are finally excited. I say put the problem of fixing MIR into their hands. Like SIM-EARTH, They can use the shuttle craft to take the pieces up. Use their minds. We grew up aware and caring (or at least knowing what it felt like to be cared for). Teach today's children the desire for the respect of others, and make them aware of the responsibility that this creates for them.
July 16thWeb ahead. Work is picking up. We seem to be on track, Stocks are all up, and my stomach has settled down again. It is difficult being with someone new. Hard to get in sync with how they feel (or how I feel). Gotta get out & do it though.My excercises are going well, but my legs are really tweaked. I start out with tight calfs, and struggle the whole way up the hill. I will try stretching.
July 14 I was told today that I am being GRUMPY? (or something). Sometimes talking to women is SOO hard. They speak in half sentances, and are SURE that if you were paying attention you would KNOW what they meant. Or maybe it is for some other reason. I don't really know for sure because I have different "plumbing & wiring". It was clear though that I have been spreading my sorrow around. It is hardest on the ride home. Just as I leave the office, I always see Ayres Ave in my head. Still hard to shake it off. Walking at night helps some. It isn't SEXUAL. It is spiritual. Sharing is what I need. I know it will come for me again, and I am not TRYING to hurry. Can't seem to get that timing quite right.
July 13, 1997 Saw Jodie Foster (and Carl Sagan's) CONTACT. Again the emphasis was on creating doubt. For those of you wondering, in theory, Ring fields create a focused directional pulse, with a side effect of time displacement in the current plane.
July 07, 1997 We met on the road, it is appropriate that we part there too. No tear jerkers, no hassle. Just FB & Amy JO. EDITORS NOTE:I just looked at what I have written, and it is a BOOK. Or at least another chapter. Fairly warned! I never thought you PLANNED it to be this way. We (as humans) always think that the plans we make have meaning. But the truth is that EVERYTHING that is in our life, is there, and is created there, because we make it that way. If we allow the things we don't want to come into our life, than we ARE those things. If we fail to grab the things we want, then we lose them, and we are NOT them. But no matter what... our life contains ONLY US. We can only plan for today, and hope we choose correctly. But, the secret is that you CAN plan for the future. It's just that you have to be ready to change the plan all the time. Sometimes, this results in an "UNPLANNED" change in destination.Someone said..It is the journey that is the greatest value in our life, NOT the destination. I thought magic was dead..Now, we have shuttles into space and remote control drones on Mars. The men in black are finally above ground (at JPL and MIB), and magic powers are growing in favor & use again. I think it is time for me to begin anew. You were brave to have run with me. You looked at things that many would have denied as possible. I think both of us have been blessed with the contact that we will always have. I feel you constantly (sorry, just one small tear). I hope you will be ok with my aura's presence. It is impossible for me to completely leave you (or loose what is you in me). True to my self-destructive (sorry Amy) nature, it seems that again I have forced the hand. Never patient enough to wait for change. I kill the loved one closest to me first. That fixes it for sure. Especially when I know how important what you are doing is for you. I am sick with the ugliness I keep in that place. Sick with the hurt that I create in my mind. But I have trully learned this time. I am best suited as a wanderer. Going where I am needed most, and staying only as long as required. A rich and satisfying life. I think that this is what I can do for others. I will also enjoy the travel..I always liked meeting new people in strange places...and there are bound to be STRANGE places. I will finally face the anger inside. Binding it with my magic, and using it against itself, and other evils. Finally able to share myself with others. I have a little fear, but I think it will pass as I learn my way around the new landscape. I have decided to keep my journal on the web. That way, people can read a little before they find me. I am looking forward to chronicling the years to come. I will keep the good times, and learn how to share away the bad. I will remember that all that is good in the world has a bad to create balance..so be cautious in what others will hear anonymously on the web. I can say (JESUS HONOR) that I can't remember a bad time. I have always been loved, and I have always found what I needed. How lucky I feel. I want to tell people about it. I want them too to have hope and to feel again. My words are my love. I want others to know there is hope. Still no smoking. This is all I can say..
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